February 2009

Yesterday I posted to the Twitter about how I could now use GMail for all of my email since Hotmail allows POP3 access.  My Hotmail account has essentially been dormant for a few years now but I use it to sign up for online services since I don’t want companies using my main GMail account for spam.

Anyway the end result is that I’ve had about 2000 Hotmail messages come through to my GMail account since yesterday.  I’ve been whittling that list down getting locked out a couple of times in process by Google but one old email from January 2004 really struck me.  It was an email my brother sent:

First of all, I’d like to say how deeply sorry I am for doing this to you. I am fully aware of how hurtful this is to you, but this is the only thing I can think of to atone for what I’ve done. I suppose you deserve a better explanation. Suffice it to say, everything you know about me is a lie. It always has been. I’ve wanted people to like me so bad that I’ve fabricated this false life, not thinking of the consequences and who I may hurt along the way. I’ve done so many hateful things, just to gain favour. On top of it all, there’s far worse things that I had planned, but never had the guts to go through with them. Now that I’ve achieved that goal of having people like me, I realize how empty it is, because they don’t like me for who I really am. I’ve realized that I can’t really control myself at times; it’s very hard to explain, but I feel that I have two distinct selves trapped in one body. I believe the one that you’ve come to know and, consequently, love is the fraudulent one. Furthermore, I strongly believe in the statement, “with the good comes the bad”. The vice versa also applies. Therefore, I must balance the bad I’ve comitted with good. However, to accomplish this, I must keep myself out of relationships in general. As long as that happens, I can still do good. I’m finding it very hard to explain this without sounding over the top, or hard to believe, so…I’ll just end it here. Again, I know how much this hurts. Believe me, I do. But I have to make up for the sins I’ve comitted. I’m sorry. In any case, I probably won’t be here much longer…I honestly can’t stand it here. So I would’ve been out of touch for a while, anyway. Again, I’m so very sorry.

Ian

This all relates to another post on the Twitter where I announced that we were looking for Ian and created a Facebook group to help with that effort.  The email I quoted above though could have easily been written after Ian took off in 2006.  The language used is eerily similar.

I wish I knew where he was.